


I lost some time once

by iwrotestuff



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel/Kevin friendship, Crowley/Cas friendship, Depression, Fallen!Castiel, M/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Post Episode: s08e23, dead children, messing around with the bible
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-21
Updated: 2013-10-13
Packaged: 2017-12-21 01:56:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/894440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwrotestuff/pseuds/iwrotestuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Naomi mocked him when she spoke about messing with his memories, but Castiel never thought that he would regain them after falling, much less the other side effects that came about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. let young isaac go

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea since Naomi told Cas about erasing his memory and killing every firstborn in Egypt, and then slightly inspired by 'it's such a beautiful day' by don hertzfeldt. Rating will go up in later chapters.
> 
> Also, I'm going to be messing around with bible stuff, so take everything you know and shove it away lol

He's sore and tired.

These are things he has never felt before.

He has to put a lot of strain and effort to make his vessel move past exhaustion, his arms are cramping wrapped tight around the small, sobbing child that clings to his neck, that motivates him to run and run until he just can't anymore, and then he falls, knees rubbed raw and bloody against rock. He pays it no mind and keeps on running.

It doesn't matter how much he tries to escape though, because no matter what he does, where he hides, _they_ will find them. He would be punished for disobeying. As for the child-

Fear builds up, and he wraps his arms tighter around the small and fragile body in his arms, hands awkwardly trying to be comforting as he runs fingers through baby soft hair, the sobbing starts to fade.

“It will be alright.” he lies, because it won't, it will never be alright. “I will do everything to protect you.” But that part is not a lie. He would most likely be caught and punished, but as long as he was alive, he would do anything to protect this child. Even if they destroyed this vessel, he would go and find another one and come back, fight them head on even if the others were much stronger than him, even is _she_ comes-

“I'm scared.” the whimper is muffled but snaps him back. He feels tiny hands dig into his vessel's clothing.

“I know.” he tries to sound comforting, but is not sure if he managed. “But as long as I'm with you, child, I will be with you and I will try my best.”

The child looks up at him and stares for a long time but then starts to smile, something so soft and so sweet. He starts to feel something that he has never felt before, and tries to understand what it is, why his vessel's heart is jumping in his chest and this warmth that grips him. Why despite their situation, all he can do is smile back at this fragile, tiny, sweet, caring child.

“I believe you.” the child whispered, voice gentle and trusting. “I believe you, Castiel.”

-

He wakes up in tears. They leak down the corners of his eyes as he stares at the ceiling trying to will the images away, to gain control of himself, but all Castiel can feel is the need to scream until his throat is raw and aching. He hides his face into his pillow to muffle any sound that manages to break through, because no one needs to see him like this. Yes, he was weak now, no longer that infinite creature of light and power, but now a creature made of bone wrapped in soft flesh, and so pathetically fragile that he simply bleeds at the pressing of his nails against his palms. But he pays that no mind because he _remembers._

"I _will protect you, Isaac.”_

“ _As long as I'm with you.”_

“ _Isaac.”_

Castiel _remembers._

So he stays curled up in his bed awake for the rest of the night and most of the morning, gasping and chocking on sobs that he refuses to let out, trying to keep himself together, maybe even make himself forget because he could not deal with this. To suddenly remember what he had forgotten for so long and had never the chance to mourn-

“ _I believe you, Castiel.”_

“ _I'll take care of you, Isaac.”_

But he hadn't. Castiel had failed to keep the archangels away from Isaac and when they found them, Isaac was taken away screaming and sobbing and begging for Castiel as the sword came down for a worthless sacrifice-

“ _The humans must know their place, Castiel. This is why we do these things, to remind them-_ "

“ _He's just a child!”_

-and he had been forced to watch them kill Isaac, pleading with his brothers and sisters to let him go, to not do this because this wasn't what their Father wanted... they were supposed to protect them and guide them, not control them with fear and making them prove their faith with such pointless things-

“ _This was punishment, Castiel.” she whispered in his ear as the other angels held Castiel down. He could barely hear her over the sounds of his own sobbing.“But I'll be merciful, even if you do not deserve it.” And then the pain came._

Part of Castiel thinks that he should have seen this coming.

He thinks of when he asked Naomi how many times had she cleared his memory, but her answer just brought more questions he had been terrified of asking. Past failures and mistakes that he must have done, other humans that he had befriended and failed to save and help. If he was honest with himself, Castiel really did not want to know, because it hurt to think of his present failures concerning the Winchesters, and now his fallen brothers and sisters. What would remembering all other failures do but torture him, drive him mad, maybe even pushing him into killing himself, like he had admitted to Dean once.

He should have known this was coming. Naomi's mind tricks were meant for angels, not humans.   And now, Castiel was human and everything was falling apart.

Forcing himself to get up, he goes to the bathroom and showers, goes downstairs and gets something to eat before going back to his room, and locks himself there for the rest of the day. Things were still strained with Dean, so there was no danger of him coming to look for Castiel, Sam was too weak at the moment to do much and was easy to avoid, and Kevin... well he didn't know what the young prophet did, but Castiel could not pretend to care. So he hides like a coward for the rest of the day, and pretends that things are alright, and that he didn't remember that sweet child who had taught him how to smile back.


	2. nothing in this book is true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel tries to puts things together, then he talks to Kevin.

It isn't until the middle of the night the next day that Castiel forces himself to leave his room again. By then his head aches from a mixture of mourning, and actual pain that must from the undoing of what was done to him. The human brain was not made to handle something like this, and he felt like his brain was going to melt inside his skull and come out his ears. He thought that that was going to be it though, that there would be no more flashbacks for the night, if he was lucky maybe that was it.  That had been his biggest act of rebellion ever, and that there would be no more.  He knows this is just wishful thinking since Naomi had ragged on him on not ever doing what he was told.   Part of him wants to smile at that, knowing that despite everything, he had always stuck to his Father's command.  That he had always taken the humans' side.  He took pride in knowing that he had been a thorn at Naomi's side, and that he had caused her problems and issues.  It was a small comfort.  So he concentrates on that, and tries to get a hold of himself. And he almost manages, gets his breathing to slow down, the sweat layering his body to cool, and to let himself mourn Isaac's death and his own failure in a more calm manner.  There was nothing wrong with mourning, it's just that Castiel would rather do it on his own terms, instead of having his body go out of control.  Of course it isn't that easy, because when he finally manages this, images of himself being held down, tied down, strapped down and Naomi standing over him with a smirk overtake him.  It takes him but a moment to realize what these images are.

The memories of Isaac had felt as though it had just happened, his body felt sore, the pain in his limbs was sharp as if he had just finished running a marathon, and the taste his own tears on his tongue was bitter and defeated and strong and too real to ignore. But these felt like he like those bad reruns he saw on television.  They all blended together into the same memory, becoming almost boring and predictable. Just Castiel being held down some way or another and Naomi leaning closer to hurt him and erase everything once again, making him forget someone else he had come to care about. They swirled into one giant moment that had no real meaning anymore, a moment that despite the pain it caused, both emotional and physical, just became something mundane and insignificant, with no real purpose. So there was no real reason for Castiel to even care about it; it hurt and he forgot things, and that apparently was nothing new and strange to the rest of the angels, so why even be upset about it? He repeated that to himself for an hour or two before he managed to believe it, and when he calmed down enough to think things through, let everything sink in with a more rational mind, that was when things suddenly clicked.

It took his breath away, his knees shook and it took everything in him to not just collapse, his heart beating so fast his entire body trembled, the thin coat of cold sweat on his clammy skin did not make things any better. The taste of bile in his throat was the only thing that kept him concentrated enough to not fall, only because he it was taking everything in him to just not throw up.  His bedroom starts spinning; his body feels both fevered and cold, it's a contradiction that he can't control.   He doesn't know what to do.  That's a contradiction too, because part of him knows what he needs to do.  He needs to find a Bible, he has to read that passage about Isaac and his father because that's-

That's not what happened.  They didn't die there.  Isaac did not die there.

But that's a lie.  Castiel knows that his 'old' memory is a lie, that what the Bible says is a lie _of all things holy fucking hell the Bible lied_ and now Castiel doesn't know what to do, what to believe.  Now he remembers things differently, he feels it in his gut that this is the truth and it hurts fucking hurts because Isaac-

Isaac had lived, hadn't he?  An angel saved him- _that was me I saved him I tried to save him-_ and Isaac lived- _no he was killed!_

There's two memories for this moment now, one of Isaac being saved and continuing on with his life serving the lord, but then there was another memory of brown eyes fading away, and blood trickling down a sword.  But that couldn't be right because that's not what was in the Bible. The prophet had written it down _that prophet was a lie, everything was a lie._ Parts had happened; Abraham still offered his son as a sacrifice, didn't even question it, the damned old fool... some angels show up and he willingly goes along with it.  And then an angel comes to save Isaac, to stop it because it had been just a test, but that's not what happened. Castiel had been sent to kill Isaac, had been sent to kill that precious child, and Castiel had been scared and defiant, had argued and refused.  He could not go along with that because that went against everything their Father had wanted out of them.  To serve humanity, that had been their duty, not to scare them and terrorize them for their own whims. That had been his motivation at first, to uphold his Father's orders, that was what drove him to pick up a vessel and take off with Isaac.  They had been on the run for about a week, and in those few and short days, Castiel had grown to... to love this child.  His reason to keep moving and charging on wasn't to be a good son to his absent father, but to save this innocent boy that he had grown so attached to.

And in the end, Castiel failed.

Taking a deep breath, he forces himself to stop thinking for a moment. There was a new and important issue at hand now.  The possibility of the Bible being a lie was important, and he should go discuss this with everyone else. But just the thought of having to explain was too much.  He needed time to collect and calm down. Castiel needs to come to terms that part of his life had been a bunch of lies.

A couple of hours later, he tried eating but it proved useless. His stomach was a mess, twisting and turning with anxiety and fear of more revelations coming to light. This terror was breaking him, and part of him knew he should perhaps talk to someone about it but that was impossible.  Because as much as he wanted to go to Dean and tell him everything, Castiel was not sure if... if Dean would-

He would care about the lies of Heaven and what this meant overall, but Castiel feared that Dean would not care about how this was affecting the former angel.  They had barely spoken since Castiel had joined them, despite Sam trying to make it happen on several occasions. The brothers' arguments were loud and echoed throughout the bunker, Sam yelling at Dean to “get his head out of his ass” and talk to Castiel, and Dean just stomping out without saying a word.  After a few minutes, Sam would always come seeking Castiel out and apologize, he would say that Dean cares about Castiel a lot, perhaps more than he would ever want to admit.  But that the hunter was scared and a little ashamed of himself, but Castiel could not believe that, despite the fact that his heart screamed at that possibility.  Then they would stare at each other, Sam always awkwardly patting him on the shoulder. Castiel could always see Sam's arms twitch, almost like he wanted to do something else that he didn't dare, felt like it was not his place to do.  Castiel wanted to tell him that he could do what he wished. Sam had proved himself to be dear friend, and he shouldn't have to feel like he was second place in Castiel's heart. He just needed Dean in a different way, in a way that he dared not think of why. There was just so much distrust and hurt and anger between the two of them that Dean could not let go, and it seemed that there was nothing Castiel could do would fix it. And he wanted to, he wanted Dean back even if it wasn't like before, at least he wanted Dean to talk to him, to acknowledge his existence once more, even if it was to yell at him. He wanted Dean to teach him about being human, because while he cared for Sam, and did not mind him showing him how to tie his shoes or set the coffee maker or other mundane things, Castiel wanted Dean to show him how the world worked.  For Dean to teach him that being human was worth something, for him to force Castiel into living and not hiding from the rest of the world.

And he wanted to talk to Dean.  Tell him of his pain and fears, the nightmares that still plagued him in the night, his new fears, his doubts, the burning pain on his back, the lack of senses, and the overload of new sensations, the rawness of it that scared him.  He wanted... he wanted to tell Dean about Isaac, and the new horrors of his lost memories. But it was no use. Dean would turn the other way every time Castiel came into the same room, or just plain avoid him. The rejection was too much. He was not going to push something that would not happen.

Castiel was tired of failing.

-

When he goes downstairs that afternoon, the rest of the bunker was quiet. He stands there in silence, confused.

“They went out on a hunt.”

Castiel jumps slightly at the voice, and turns around to find Kevin sitting on the couch reading a book. There are papers scattered everywhere.

“But Sam is still hurt.”

Kevin snorted and rolled his eyes. “I know, but he said he needed to do something before he went crazy and then they left. I think Dean wanted to leave more than Sam 'cause he basically sprinted out the door.”

Castiel swallowed through the lump in his throat, and fought the prickling of tears with all he had. The thought of Dean wanting to not be here made his chest feel small and his stomach cold, his face wanting to twist into something ugly, something that he really did not want Kevin to see. Turning around he made his way towards the kitchen.

“Cas?”

“I wanted to make some tea. Would you like some, Kevin?”

There is a beat of silence before Kevin responded. His voice is soft and full of understanding that makes Castiel so angry, he almost turns around and screams. “Yeah. That would be nice. Thanks, Cas.”

It takes all of his will to not run out of the room. Then standing in the kitchen while he waits for the water to boil, he despairs.  He usually loved making tea, loved the soft sound of the pot, and the tranquility of it but now, all he wants is for the damn water to boil so he could leave.  It had been a mistake to come out of his room in the first place. Hands gripped the edge of the counter to the point his knuckles were white and his fingers hurt, teeth grinding against each other in an effort to keep whatever this feeling was inside. Castiel was still hurting over Isaac and about the lies he had been made to believe, but the news of Dean and Sam leaving because they couldn't handle being in the bunker anymore hurt.  They just left without even saying anything-

“Cas?”

Castiel closed his eyes as tightly as he could, willing himself to hold together while in Kevin's presence.  He would not have him think Castiel was weak.

“Yes?”

Kevin looked at him for moment before he walked closer to him.

“Listen... I know this hasn't been easy on you and Dean being an ass isn't helping things.” Kevin's tone was annoyed. Castiel understands that it is not directed at him. “But you know if you ever need to talk- and I know I'm not Dean or Sam and we don't know each other that well, but if you want-” Kevin paused, clearly frustrated with himself. “If you want to talk about anything... I'm here, okay?”

They stare at each other.  Castiel feels shame at dismissing Kevin earlier.

“I'm just having a hard time adjusting to this new situation.”

“That's an understatement.”

Castiel smiles a little. “Yes. But I will be fine, Kevin. I...” he hesitates before continuing. “Thank you. For.... for caring about my well being.”

Kevin gives him a sad smile that reminds Castiel so much of Isaac-

“That's what friends are for, Cas. They help each other deal with the world's bullshit.  'sides," Kevin drops to a whisper.  "I'm just doing what Dean should be doing..."

“Dean is... angry with me for my past mistakes. "

“He's messed up plenty of times and so has Sam.  I don't get why he picks on you like this-”

“Kevin.” Castiel's tone is flat and dismissing. The young prophet shuts his mouth. “Thank you for defending me, but Dean needs time to deal with everything that has happened-”

“Come on, Cas!” Kevin walks right up to Castiel, their closeness making the former angel uneasy. He remembers Dean saying that people feel uncomfortable when another person stands too close, that personal space is important.  He had never understood the reason why, but now he does. “That's bullshit!  Like he's the only one who's gotten messed up over what happened, I mean look at you!”

Castiel tries to reassure him with a smile, tries to say that it's fine but it must have failed because Kevin does something Castiel was not prepared for. The prophet lifts his arms and awkwardly wraps them around Castiel, who in turn trembles ever so slightly. It's terrible, strange and warm and he never thought he would be so afraid of another's touch.

He's reminded of tiny arms wrapping around his neck.

The young man pulls away quickly.

“So uh, when you're ready to talk to someone, you know, if it isn't Dean or Sam... well, I'm here.”

It takes a couple of tries before Castiel manages to say something.

“Yes.”

And if Kevin notices the way his voice shakes and the way his hands shake, he makes no notice of it.


	3. silence is so accurate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel gives in and talks to Kevin and then they go out for dinner.

When he had been an angel, being alone had been different.

He always had the voices of his siblings around him, even when he had been cast out or alone in purgatory. He could hear them in the waves of the ocean, the buzzing of bees, the eeriness of the wind, and dead trees filled with monsters. No matter where he had been, there had been that constant stream of soothing background noise of his family singing endlessly in worship to their absent father. But now, it is silent. How humans could stand it, Castiel could not understand. To be trapped in your own mind, alone with your thoughts with no way out was maddening.  All your own thoughts, your doubts, insecurities, fears and everything you have ever hated, all spinning around inside your head.  Everything presented to you with no way out.  Castiel could understand why humans drank, lost themselves in sex, or consumed drugs.  It seemed like it was the only way to escape such things, although he knew that wasn't always the case.  Humans could be happy, right?  Castiel had just come to terms with the knowledge that he wasn't going to be one of those humans.  That did not mean he wanted to find a vice, an addiction of some kind, he at least wanted to try. He needed a healthy outlet.  Maybe even tell someone.   Dean would have been his first choice, his only choice if he was honest with himself.  But he wasn't here, and Castiel needed someone now.  Kevin was the only one here, and he doesn't need to know everything. Castiel doesn't have to tell him about the dreams and his confusion of mixed up memories, and all this terror that he needs to deal on his own, but he can tell him about the silence. And maybe Kevin can explain how humans handle it, or just the act of talking to someone would help.

He just needed to tell someone before he fell apart more than he already has.

-

“Kevin?”

He jumps at the sound of his name. The bunker had been eerily silent for the past two days, and Castiel had been hiding for most of the time, Kevin had no real form of communication. Sam had called earlier that day and asked how he was and then after a pause, asked about the ex-angel. Kevin had opted to say nothing on that matter.

“Jesus Christ, Cas! You scared me.”

“I'm sorry.”

Kevin tried to give the man a smile, but he was sure it came out exhausted and tense.

“No worries. Did you need something?” He crossed his fingers on his lap. For days he had been trying to talk to Cas, and it hadn't worked, but if he was coming on his own to try and talk about what was bothering him-

“I...” Castiel sighed, looking away. “I just...”  He stops speaking, looking about to give up in voicing his thoughts.  Kevin was not going to let him.

“Hey... come on, Cas.” Kevin closed his notebook and started to put his things away, piling them up neatly on the table. “I was gonna go make something to eat but it's kinda nice out, and I really could use a change of scenery. Wanna go out for food? I mean, you have to be getting tired of sandwiches and soup.”  The house fever part was mostly true.  He was going stir crazy trapped in this place, but the real reason for this outing was to trap Castiel.   Kevin hated doing this to him, especially since Cas was till having a very hard time dealing with crowds, something to do with loud noises and touch.  He didn't really understand much of it because Cas never really explained.  The one who knew the most about it was Sam, and that wasn't a lot either.  Kevin was sure that if Dean asked, Castiel would spill everything.  That wasn't an option though.

“I've never really had anything else to eat.” Castiel finally answers, his head tilting to the side in a familiar gesture that had Kevin's heart aching. “I had burgers once. I liked those.”

Kevin grinned, picking up the house keys and his wallet as he walks towards Castiel.  There was a nice 24/7 dinner close to them, and because it was almost midnight on a weekday, Kevin was sure it would be mostly empty.

“Well then, how about we go get you some super greasy burgers?”

-

The diner had been empty for the most part, Cas had not panicked like he usually did in public places, and seemed to be enjoying himself for the most part. It had been nice just sitting there together, Kevin had never really sat down to talk to Castiel, and now he was regretting it.  Cas didn't get much of modern trends or anything that Kevin used to want to talk about with his friends, but he was smart and appriciated knowledge in general.  They talk about school, strangely enough, his past 'advance placement' self surfacing when Castiel speaks of concepts that are beyond human comprehation.  It's facinating, and when they head back, Kevin wants to write this all down.  He jokes and tells Castiel should become a physics teacher or something of the sort.  Castiel says, in the most serious tone ever, that humans are not ready for such knowledge.  It makes Kevin laugh, and it's clear that Castiel doesn't totally understand why Kevin is laughing, but smiles anyway, and Kevin tries to keep that smile on his face for the rest of their dinner.  They talk about what Kevin has been translating, that maybe Castiel should help with some of the books in the library, that Sam would appriciate it.  Castiel seems a little more motivated, more alive and this is what he has been needing, to be let out and forced.  Sam has been babying Castiel a little, and it's understandable, but if Cas never comes out of his comfort zone, than he'll just fade away if that doesn't stop.  If Dean was around, then it would be... it would be better.  Cas would be so willing to try things if Dean was the one to show him what the world had to offer.  That wasn't happening though, at least not for the time being.  So it was their job to try and take Dean's place for now.

When they are done with their dinner, Cas looks like he wants to say something.  Kevin doesn't push, he waits for the other man to feel ready.  When they are back at the bunker and Kevin is about to open the door, Castiel finally says something.

“I'm having a hard time adjusting, Kevin.”

The young man tries not to snort.

“You told me. But you're not alone, you know?"  Kevin turns around and leans on the wall of the house. "So Dean's being a dick okay I get that, but there's other people in the world besides Dean, as much as you seem to think otherwise...Sam can be a bit of a douche too but he's alright most of the time, and I'm here too in case you don't want to deal with the emo brothers. And okay, I know that I'm not great help, I mean, I've never been a fallen angel before, but I am an 'advance placement' that became a prophet and stole his mom's van to steal a tablet.” He tries to laugh at the end, just to calm his nerves and try to make this easier. When he looks up, he notices that Castiel is not walking any closer and just looking at him has Kevin reeling, because he has never seen Cas like this.

Castiel was looking to the side, trying his best to avoid looking at Kevin and trying to hide his face without being obvious. His hands are shaking, and his eyes glistening with tears that refused to fall out of sheer stubbornness.

“I don't understand how... how humans can stand it.”

“Stand what?”

“The silence. Everything is so quiet. In my head. So I am trapped in there alone with my thoughts and... and these things that I don't want.”

“Silence?”

“When I had been cast out before, I still could hear my brothers. But now we are all fallen. And there's no one. No angels singing hymns, just silence.” He licked his lips, swallowing words that he clearly did not want to say. When he continued, his voice was weak, none of the thunder and gravel Kevin was used to. “Always, despite everything that happened... my rebellion, or being cut off and left behind, throughout my mistakes, even trapped in purgatory... I could still hear them, and it was constant and real. The only true thing that I could hold on to besides-” he snapped his mouth shut, cutting himself off. “That connection to my brothers was the only thing I had left.  And now that they're gone, I'm all alone in my head and maybe that's why I'm... I'm remembering?"

Kevin frowned at that. Remembering?

“Wait, what are you talking about-”

But Castiel was not listening anymore, too lost in his ramblings to ground himself to Kevin's voice.

“-was that stream of singing... was that...”

Castiel breathing picked up speed, catching in his throat. Kevin knew the symptoms of a panic attack from a mile away. He ran up to Castiel and grabbed him by his arms, shaking him as hard as he could, fingers digging into Castiel's arms.

“Cas! You need to calm down! Breath!”

“-the only thing that gave me peace... that was-”

“Take a deep breath, Cas. You need to look at me and fucking breath!”

Whether it was the swearing or yelling, Castiel looked at him with wide eyes, body shaking with... whatever was happening, but he was looking at him, trying to get his breathing to slow down. Castiel looked like he was going to pass out.

“No no no, Cas you can't just- I can't carry you, man, you're heavy, I'm like a stick next to- Cas!” Kevin yelped when Castiel leaned on him when his knees gave away, he tried to keep the both of them up but he felt his legs shake and had to lowered both of them to sit on the grass. He awkwardly held onto Castiel, trying to get him up. The bunker was a few minutes away. Kevin didn't mind this, but he would rather have it inside where he could lay Castiel down in case he outright fainted.

“Take a deep breath okay? We're going to get up and then I'm going to take you to your room-”

Castiel interrupted by saying something. At first he was sure the ex-angel was just mumbling, but then realized that he kept repeating it, soft words spoken with a gentleness that Kevin did not think Castiel was capable of. It was on the third time that he realized that he was speaking in another language.

“Cas?”

The broken man in his arms kept saying the same phrase, voice breaking and heaving as if he had been screaming himself raw.

And then Castiel throws his arms around Kevin in a panic, his hands gripping Kevin's hair in a extremely gently hold. The older man's heart was pounding hard against his ears and Kevin could almost swear it would burst out of Castiel's chest.

“What's wrong? Cas-”

“....Isaac.....”

“...what?”

“....Isaac.”

-

Miles away, Sam tried calling Kevin to let him know that they were coming back but no one answered. On the third try he had to admit he was slightly worried, but didn't think much about it. It was late, Kevin could he sleeping for all he knew.

He decided to keep that to himself when Dean asked how things were back at the bunker. By 'things' he meant Castiel, but of course his brother would not come out and say it. To spite him, Sam only always mentioned what Kevin had translated, and never said anything that the prophet had said about Castiel. Dean's eyes would twitch and his mouth opened like he wanted to say something, but was too stubborn to actually ask.

Cas had been an argument that Sam and Dean had been having for a while now. It was a pointless argument that had no basis, except that Dean was afraid of being hurt by the one person in this entire fucking messed up world that he had hopelessly fallen in love with. And that's what it was. Dean was in love with Cas and was being a fucking coward about it. Past betrayals done in Dean's name, all the times Castiel left without saying anything, past hurts that Dean never bothered to try healing just kept rotting away, and not only was it hurting Dean, it was hurting Castiel too.

And now that he was fallen, and so terribly broken in ways Sam couldn't even begin to understand, and he understood that this was part of the reason why Dean pushed away. Because he didn't know what to do, how help besides just be there, because to Dean, that was not enough. And all this piled up on top of older hurts, and that scared Sam every time he would see Castiel shrink into himself or how his eyes dulled and lost that bright blue glow they had. He was scared every time Castiel walked into his room, that small possibility that it would be the last time Sam ever saw him, and that in the end, they failed to save yet another person they loved.

As Dean drove back to the bunker, Sam silently prayed to Castiel, despite knowing he would not hear it, telling him all about how Dean did care about him and loved him, and that things would be okay in the end, and even if they weren't and Dean never got over himself (but he would, of course he would), that at least Sam would be there to catch him this time.

Because that's what family does.

 


	4. so it goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's head is a mess.

Things became messy in his head.

Castiel understood that time was not truly linear and that everything, from that little fish trying to walk out of the water, fire falling from the sky, rising Dean out of Hell and completely changing his life in ways he never thought possible, all of those things were actually happening all at once.

Or something like that. Castiel wasn't sure about that anymore, truth be told.

His head was twirling and spinning endlessly and it was making him disoriented.  He didn't know where he was, who he was with, what year it was. It went from eating burgers with Kevin to Isaac's dead body in his arms, but it was like it was happening at the same time, but they were so far apart in time so that made no sense. Unless that weird nonsense about time being all over the place was true, but Castiel was thinking that maybe that was a lie too. Maybe.

Then other things happened.

Little children being killed by angels just because; there had been a “reason” if it could be called that, some excuse to terrorize the humans because... well, because. Castiel tried, he tried so hard that time, even if he didn't understand why he just had to. Because they were little ones being killed? It was more than that, a cause he couldn't grasp but now he did.  Maybe he always knew.

He failed a child once. He wouldn't do it again.

The other angels who thought like him were punished.

He had forgotten that.

Little fingers gripping into the female vessel he took; a mother who would do anything for her child. A woman who would not let anyone, not even “God” take her child from her. He managed to save that one little boy. He thinks he can still feel soft, chubby arms that cling to him, clinging to his mother. Then he left the woman's body and she smiled and cried. Thanked him, and damn God but bless this angel. She asked his name.

Castiel.

She said she would always remember him.

Never forget.

He hid them from the angels, pressed his hands against Dean and Sam's chests and craves words and feels a pang of worry when the little boy winces and cries and clings at his mother's legs. But then Castiel smiles fondly at Dean's reaction when he explains what he did. It had worked. The angels couldn't find them, but they found Castiel. He was punished.

Then he forgot again.

And now he remembers. Naomi never found out about the mother and child, but she of course knew about the Winchesters, especially Dean because that's all his Grace glowed with, just thoughts of Dean and _Dean_ and how was he, would he ever see him again, how he failed to save him from the angels and they killed him, Isaac screaming for him and Castiel was forced to watch and made to forget as fire fell from the sky and everyone was killed-

…

What was he thinking about again?

...

Fire. Was it fire or rain? Why couldn't he remember? But it was from the sky and people burned to death. He tried to save them, save the man who told him that his eyes were beautiful. Castiel tells him that this body belongs to the human that volunteered to be his vessel, that any beauty in this body belongs to this human, and not the angel.

_He has brown eyes, not blue. Those are yours, beautiful. Your true form shines through._

Fire.

There had been a misunderstanding.  Castiel tries to explain it to the others, about him and that man.  Another one of his brothers tries to explain too.  About the woman and the child that was an abomination.  She has whites eyes.  His brother begs for his new family's lives but the mother and daughter are both killed.  His brother is killed as well.  Castiel fought for them because how could a child be an abomination?  Everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves.  Sam taught him that.

The man who called him beautiful was killed too. Fire. Or rain.

He called Castiel beautiful many times. Not the vessel but him. They sat together watching the sunrise and sunsets and the man would lean closer and touch Castiel's face and smile. A gentle warmth would spread in his chest. Isaac taught him how to smile back at someone, so he practiced what he learned and smiled back for this man as well. The man brings their faces together and Castiel forgets how to breath.

Then Naomi killed him for touching Castiel, because scum should not touch holy things.

The gentle man who called Castiel beautiful was killed along with everyone else in those cities. Everyone was dead. He cries and suffers because it was a “sin” to touch an angel and sinners go to Hell. That man does not deserve Hell. So Castiel goes there and raises him to be Michael's sword but Dean became so much more than that. His soul shines and burns with bravery and dedication for her son, willing to have an angel take her for a ride through fire and pain-

Castiel whimpers in pain, clutching his head. He curls into his mind and tries to run but finds other things.

He remembers buildings full of people sent to their deaths because another human thought he was superior. Castiel wants to do something even though he knows that it isn't his place to interfere with humans. There are children in those chambers and when they breath in, they drop dead along with their fathers and grandfathers. Strangers dying together for no reason. And then an inferno in another place where innocent people burn up once more and he thinks that's happened before? Humans hurt each other and he wants to help them be peaceful. Would their Father want that too? If he was here... but he isn't.

Because if he was here, all this pain, all this suffering... A father would not let his children fall from Grace.

He let the other angels hurt Castiel, torture him and force him to do things and his Father never came to save him.

The tears come slowly and he feels pathetic and alone. But then hands are on his head, petting him and telling him to stand up, to get inside and rest. They grab at his own hands and pull and yes, they should hurry. The angels are coming and they need to run.

He lets Isaac pull him up, and then the woman smiles with tears in her eyes thanking him over and over, and then presses warm lips against Castiel's and when the man pulls back there's a smile whispering about beautiful blue eyes, then patting him on the shoulder and telling him to never change.

 


	5. lost in translation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin finally calls the brothers and Dean reflects on stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have another chapter coming tonight or by Friday at least. This chapter was supposed to be longer (to make up for the long wait) but it just felt so forced, so I ended up cutting it in half. At the moment I'm debating how much Dean/Cas I'm going to have; the story is more about Castiel and his memories so I don't want to side track and throw too much romance lol plus I like angst. I've only written one fic where the romance is nice and fluffy and cute D: but I can promise that this will have a happy ending, or as happy as it can get.

It takes him half an hour to get Castiel up, and at least centered enough to force him inside the bunker. The entire ordeal was filled with mumbled mixes of languages strung together in a mess, and it was like Cas wasn't really there, like his body was acting out whatever was going on in his head. He would try pulling Kevin the other way out of nowhere with no warning, speaking in a daze of foreign words slurring and bunching up into one another. When he finally manages to push the former angel inside, only manages to guide him towards the couch, with Castiel dumping himself in exhaustion, now silent minus soft sniffing as he curls himself into ball and shakes and shivers, but he isn't crying anymore. Somehow that doesn't feel like a victory.

Cas had been having nightmares since he fell.  For the first few nights he had been at the bunker, Dean had actually taken over. The sad part was that Castiel had never noticed since every time he had night terrors, it seemed like he would blank out, so he probably had no memory of Dean holding him and hushing him and lulling him back to sleep. Eventually, the nightmares stopped being as strong, they were still there but now they weren't scream inducing and they didn't wake everyone up, it was shameful how everyone had been relived over that, minus Dean who looked like a kicked puppy when he realized he wasn't needed anymore. Now everyone could sleep through the night- at least the three of them could, because Castiel still had nightmares. He just dealt with them different now, on his own, without help and while that wasn't the best, it at least gave him the chance to feel less weak and dependent on everyone else. The only sign of nightmares were when Cas would be sleeping downstairs, cuddled up in a blanket with the television on, and it had become an unspoken agreement that no one spoke of it, especially to Castiel himself.  Kevin was ashamed of that, so was Sam and sometimes, Kevin was sure that Dean was too.   All of them were not handling this situation in the best way, especially since it seemed that his nightmares where not getting any better, if anything, they were becoming worse.

But these... these were different.  Nightmares didn't cause people to start speaking in different languages and calling people by other names. This was full out hallucinations and delusions, and if Kevin didn't know any better he would say Cas was on drugs, maybe even possessed. This had to be related to falling, although Kevin couldn't even begin to guess how. He tries to think of things he knows about angels, of what he has read, of the tablets, what Dean said about how Castiel had been controlled by an angel called Naomi. Then he wonders how much control she had over Cas, how much of his actions had been his own, how maddening that must be, to question everything you've ever done in your life, and being so lost, maybe even worse than any other time before. He thinks of Cas asking about being alone in your own head, and wonders if all of this is connected, that maybe that control had been the only reason the angels didn't snap, and that was an awful thought, wasn't it? And if it was, why was it happening now? It had been almost two months since Castiel fell, since all the angels fell, so why was this happening now? Had something triggered it?

Castiel is shaking more now, almost like he's cold and is mumbling things in the softest and most gentle voice Kevin has ever heard, and then he gasps and says something over and over again, Kevin is really fucking scared now. He can't just stand still and wait for Castiel to just wake up, and what if he doesn't wake up, or if he does and doesn't even recognize Kevin-

He almost runs to where he left his phone.

-

About an hour ago, Sam had finally fallen asleep, which was great because he was still weak from the trails, and just because he had claimed that he needed out for a while, and that the cabin fever was getting to him, that did not mean that Dean was not going to make sure his younger brother was alright. And if he had to force him to sleep or whatever else Sam seemed to think he did not need, Dean had no reservations with bullying him into them. There were advantages to being the older brother, after all. So yes, it was good Sam had fallen asleep. The bad part was that Dean had to turn off his music and now was driving in silence just staring at the dark and empty road. And while he loved to drive his car and just let go for a while, silence now brought thoughts that he would rather ignore.

It had been about two months since Cas fell, about a month since he had stopped screaming in the middle of the night, and had finally been clear enough to concentrate on what was going around the world. It had also been a month since Dean had been anywhere near him as well. Of course, Cas didn't even know it since it seemed like he didn't even remember those nights. But that was fine with Dean, it made it easier to avoid the former angel, because Dean was sure Cas would come after him if had known how it had been Dean taking care of him during his night terrors.

But that wasn't something to be proud of, was it?

Dean wanted to talk to Castiel. Shit, he wanted more than just to talk to him, he wanted to hold Cas like he had during those long nights, because while it had been horrible with Cas shaking and whimpering most of the night, Dean had...liked it. Cas was warm and so soft, and all Dean had wanted to do was hold him all night, every night, to drag him to his own room, with his memory foam mattress, and huddle him up in his arms. But then morning would come, and Dean would leave the room, ignoring Castiel for the rest of the day. He wanted to kick himself every time he would make eye contact with the other man, his eyes dark blue and sad, but Dean just didn't know what to say, so he would walk the other way and-

That was no excuse. He was hurting Cas. Yes, he had been angry with the former angel because he hadn't thought things through, but hell, Dean himself had done that plenty of times, and then there was Sammy jump starting the apocalypse, and the two brothers had failed so many other people, so did Dean really have any room to talk? Cas had lost his family, had watched his brothers fall and the guilt and anger he carried with him was soul crushing. There was so much he had to deal with... becoming human and adjusting, and that was hard to watch, because while Dean had been avoiding it all, he still saw Sam help Cas.  And then there were those first few weeks, half asleep and scared, when Cas was having his worst nightmares, delirious and confused as Dean held him in his arms. Castiel would ask him things like 'how can you stand not being able to see someone's soul?' 'I can't hear the plants speak anymore, is that normal?' or just worse things that Dean forced himself to never think about again. Tried to ignore, along with the reason as to why he couldn't face up to Cas. When he had joined back with the rest of team, Dean had been cruel and unforgiving, and how Castiel's eyes lost that shine that they had, how his body just slumped. Then Sam had gathered whatever strength he had left and punched Dean, and when he had been about to punch back and start a full out fight, Sam had turned around and hugged Cas, dark hair disappearing into his giant brother's shoulder. He didn't know what Sam had said, was too ashamed to even ask, but then Sam pushed Cas inside, and from that moment on Dean had taken to ignoring Cas. He had planned to say something the next day, would have done anything to earn forgiveness that he did not deserve for his cruelty, and of course Cas would forgive, because that's what he did. Then the nightmares and the screaming came, and Dean lost his courage, had been lost since that night. And now they were stuck like this.

He realized that he needed to stop this. Sam was right, he was fucking terrified of Cas. Not because he would not forgive, but because Dean felt like he did not deserve it and did not deserve to want the things he wanted.

Dean swallowed, his hands gripping the steering wheel in a death grip.

He wanted many things with Cas. Things he had been in denial for some time now. He wanted them with his entire being, he could feel his heart speed up and pound against his chest every time Cas had looked at him, those few precious times he would smile and his eyes were just so blue and inhuman, even now that he was fallen, his eyes stayed that blue and glowing. Jimmy couldn't make his own body look that good, because Cas just carried it different, his entire aura was special, ancient, angelic, and simply perfect. So he knew. He knew he wanted Cas in ways that he had been so afraid to acknowledge, not just because Cas was a man, but because he was an angel, and Dean had always figured that one day, Cas was supposed to leave for real, and well yes, in the end he didn't but that didn't mean anything. It hadn't been his choice to stay. And all Dean wanted was for Cas to stay out of his own will, not be cast out.

Taking a deep breath, Dean decided that thinking about this right now wasn't good. He was starting to get tired, not to mention he was starving. He had been about to pull out on the coming exit, when he heard a soft buzzing sound coming from Sam. It took him a moment to realize that it was his cell phone. Sam grunted a bit, and pulled out his phone out of his pocket. His movements were sluggish and clumsy, and Dean could not help but chuckle at his brother who was obviously still sleeping. He basically threw his phone on the cup holder and turned his body towards the window to continue sleeping.

It was impossible for Dean to hold in his laughter, and a loud bark escaped him as he reached for his brother's phone to answer, not caring if Sam woke up or if the person at the other end would care. “Dean speaking.”

The other end was quiet for a second and Dean realized that he had not checked who was calling and was about to check when a voice spoke up on the other end, panicked and wavering.

“D-Dean? Where's Sam? Where... shit, that doesn't matter Dean you need to come back now!”

His stomach lurched and cramped up at that. Quickly checking the road, Dean pulls over the shoulder and parks, and shakes Sam awake while he continues speaking with Kevin.

“What's going? What happened?” He demands, and ignores Sam growling at him and asking what was wrong. “Kevin what happened?”

“I... I don't know what's wrong with Cas. There's something really wrong and I don't know how to deal with this-”

“Dean?” Sam's voice sounds far away, and he can't hear what Kevin is saying anymore because all he heard was something was wrong with Cas. He swallows over the lump in his throat and his fingers shake and he clenches his hands, his right hand so tight the phone case creaks.

“What's wrong with Cas?” He almost yells at Kevin, and Sam makes a sound before scrambling closer to the phone, trying to over hear the conversation. “Dammit Kevin... what the hell happened?”

“I-I don't know! He... I thought it was nightmares again but this... shit, this- he's mumbling in different languages and didn't recognize me for a while, and now he's shaking, I'm thinking he's going to hyperventilate and pass out soon. He had been acting strange for a few days and was asking me some strange questions but I just... it wasn't something that I thought- I'm sorry I should have called earlier when this started-”

“No, no Kevin... it's not your fault.” Sam interrupts and has to wrestle the phone away from Dean's death grip. “Keep an eye on him, we're comin' back right now- Kevin? What's- what's wrong? Hey!” There's a beat of silence and Dean feels like throwing up in terror, and glances at his brother. Sam's eyes are huge and scared. Dean looks away and speeds up, and fuck any cop that tries to stop him because he ain't slowing down. Not with Cas in trouble, because yeah, he's been fucking up for months now but not anymore. He's going to do this right. He was not going to let Cas down anymore.

 


	6. i was cured all right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley was pretty shocked to see Castiel for the first time since that one time at the warehouse.

He can vaguely hear a voice, it's loud and it's making the pounding in his head worse but even so he tries to go after it, tries to chase it out of the fog that he's trapped in. And then he does and he is back at the bunker, slumped on the couch with Kevin is at the other side of the room on his phone. Castiel tries to listen and understand what he is saying but can't make it out. It just sounds like gibberish and wrong, so he tries to say something but it sounds wrong too. It isn't until he says it louder that Kevin looks at him, and by now Castiel is scared without understanding why. Kevin walks towards him slowly and says something that he can't understand. He repeats that sentence over and over and it takes a full minute before Castiel realizes why he can't understand what Kevin is saying.

Kevin isn't speaking German and- and why the fuck would he be anyway? Why-

Castiel laughs and it's panicked and angry laughter that makes Kevin lean closer and ask again the same question from before, but Castiel can't stop laughing at how ridiculous this was. He's never had problems with languages before, not in his entire existence, he has never forgotten any either and that includes dead languages that no one speaks anymore. If he had heard it at some time in his life, he remembered, didn't care if his brothers didn't understand why he bothered, cherished them because-

Because _they_ spoke them, and maybe Castiel couldn't remember them but part of him knew, had always known and if he could remember their words then maybe he could someday remember them-

“Can you understand what-?”

“Now I can.”

Kevin gasps and stumbles back in shock, he clearly had not been expecting for Castiel to actually respond.

“Oh my God, Cas... you freaking scared me!”

“My apologies.”

“No, no, no. Don't be sorry, man.” Kevin tries to laugh as he sits next to Castiel and gives him a shaky smile. “I'm... I'm glad that you're awake now, you were really scaring me.”

Castiel stares straight at the wall and avoiding Kevin's concerned stare because that's too hard to deal with right now, just too much. “Yes.”

“Dean and Sam are on their way back so-”

And he gasps and trembles when Kevin says that, and now things are so much worse suddenly. “You... you called them.”

“Well... yeah! You were almost having a seizure! Cas, you were...” and now Kevin was angry, his hands were shaking with repressed rage and worry, and Castiel understands this, he truly does but the feeling of slight betrayal would not go. “What, did you want me to just pretend that nothing happened?”

Castiel knew he had to deal with this sometime, it was just that he thought he had more time to get himself together and be able to talk about what was happening without breaking down. More time to be able to detach himself from his situation so he could explain it calm and rational, with no weakness.

They stare at each other for a moment, Kevin was clearly upset but also with the clear intent to help in his eyes, and Castiel knows that he should accept it, that this is what he needs. But there's anger and disappointment and so much fear at asking for help, because he has never needed it before. He had been the helpful one... maybe not as helpful as he would have liked to be, but it had never been necessary for anyone to help him. He didn't think the humans weak and helpless, but the angels had been in charge to serve humanity and help them, guide them, be their protectors and that was what Castiel was... still wants to be. But now he is pathetic and so fucking weak, and he doesn't deserve to be helped because he messed up-

It was too much. He stands up too fast and it makes him dizzy and he trembles, but holds himself together well enough to not fall. Kevin stumbles towards him to help, but it isn't needed. Turning away, Castiel tries to walk towards his room, but is stopped by Kevin.

“Where are you going?”

“My room.... is that okay?” He doesn't mean to sound angry but he can't help it, and Kevin's gentle response shames him.

“Of course, man. You don't have to ask...” He gives a small smile and Castiel walks away without wanting to hear the rest. “I'm really tired and it's late, plus they won't be here until tomorrow anyway so...” Standing up, Kevin catches up with him and pats him on the arm, and that makes him deflate, anger and frustration leaving him if just for a bit. And he hates himself a little for comparing Kevin to Isaac, but they so similar- “Just... try to get some good sleep.”

“I will.” It's a lie, they both know but he can't bring himself to say that, so he lies and lies some more when he says that he is going to his room, because he waits for an hour in his room, and when he is sure Kevin is asleep, Castiel leaves his room. And then stands in the middle of the hallway for longer than it is necessary, until he forces himself to go downstairs, and down again towards the dungeon.

-

Crowley was bored. So, so fucking bored. Sam had informed him that him and Dean were going on a hunt and there went his only source of entertainment for the time being. Sure, Dean came to see him too, and wasn't that just peachy? But the younger Winchester was so much more pleasant to talk to, and sometimes Kevin came too, although that was strained and awkward. He had cut one of his fingers off once, and that was pretty hard to move on from, it seemed. It wasn't like he was a total prisoner, but his freedom was limited, especially while Sam wasn't around, and in reality, there wasn't much Crowley could do. He was burnable now, and he could bet there were many out there who would just love to bash his head in. So he had no real want to leave this place, at least for the time being, he just wished he had someone to keep him company for a bit. Kevin came to check on him but didn't really stick around, and the other alternative was Castiel...

He had not seen the former angel since... well since that time he rescued that other angel, and that was a while back. Part of him was glad. Another part of him... well, another part of him actually wanted to see Castiel. Mostly, he wanted to speak with him. Here he was, former King of Hell reduced to an emotional mess of feelings, purified or whatever the Winchester's had done to him, and then there was Castiel, fallen Angel and newly turned human. They had a lot in common now; both found themselves trapped in a situation that they did not want, that they could not deal with. In the first month, Castiel had been loud with his screaming, he had heard him all the way down here, and Crowley sympathized with the former angel. The nightmares were probably a mix of guilt and falling and whatever else happened to him. But Crowley also had another theory, one that he was starting to think wasn't going to happen, but then again, who knows. This is all new, and angels hadn't fallen like this since Naomi had perfected her little brainwashing techniques. He knew all about it, in fact, he had helped her with the process. Sure, he didn't find a way to do it, but he had introduced her to the techniques she ended up using, and they depended a lot on the angels' grace and wavelengths, so it had be different now, and as morbid as it sounded, Crowley wanted to know how it worked, how it affected the newly fallen angels-

The door opened. Crowley sighed and flopped back on his bed.

“Whoever you are, I appreciate the company. Being down here by myself is dreadfully boring, so maybe you should consider bringing down a television and some movies for me to watch. Hell, even bring me some books, it would be great-”

“Crowley.”

He sat up fast, finding himself staring at Castiel who was standing right outside the giant Devil's Trap he was trapped in. In the slight dark of the dungeon, Castiel looks exhausted. The bags under his eyes were large and so dark they hollow out his face; he looked like he had not slept for days.

“Ah, Castiel... fancy seeing you here. I must admit that I'm slightly confused for your being here, it's usually Moose, or everyone's favorite little prophet. But I can't be picky I guess. What brings you to my little dungeon?”

Castiel just stares for a while, and despite the bad lighting Crowley can see how exhausted Cas looks. They just stare at each other, and it's strange and awkward because they really had an actual conversation since they had made their deal so long ago.

“I have some questions that I think you might be able to answer.”

“Is that so? I just don't know what could I possibly help with-”

“How much... do you know how much of the Bible-”

And he doesn't need to finish the sentence because Crowley knows what Castiel is asking.  He remembers.

The question is also an answer to what he had been wondering himself. The way Crowley stares back is an answer in itself by the way Castiel stops and eyes grow wide and fearful, the slight hint of denial growing bigger as the seconds tick by. Cas licks his lips a couple of times, clears his throat and blinks what seems to be tears away. It takes him a full minute before he manages to speak, and when he does, his voice is cold and voided of emotion.

“How much?”

“Do you really want to know?” He isn't trying to be sarcastic or mocking, but it is a truthful question, because the answer will not go well with Castiel, and while their 'relationship' is messy and weary, Crowley does not want to break Castiel. “Will knowing do anything for you?”

“No, it won't but still. Even if...” he pauses and sighs. “I... I remember things that... that make no sense because the Bible said- but I know what I'm remembering is the truth.”

Suddenly the dungeon feels smaller, feels like the air is being sucked away and this claustrophobic feeling takes over his entire being and it's worse with Castiel who finally gave up his tough act, and looks so vulnerable, it makes Crowley shiver.

“It fell apart.” This is all he can say.

Castiel snaps his gaze at Crowley, eyes flash with fear.

“Fell apart?”

“I helped Naomi come up with the method.” he pauses to see Castiel's reaction, let him absorb that before continuing. He looks torn up. “Although she is the one who perfected it. She never clearly explained what she did, but I was mildly aware Angels were not fully acting out of free will.”

“We've never had free will, it seems... even if I thought I did.” Castiel smiles. It's worse than the tears. “Perhaps... I didn't have full control of my actions. Even when I rebelled for Dean.” His voice cracks at the older Winchesters name, grief so sharp that Crowley wants to stand up and go to Castiel and do something ridiculous. “I thought I did that  because I wanted to, because I... because-”

Crowley doesn't want to hear this.

“Castiel.” he barks the former angel's name in an angry tone, not because he doesn't care but because he can't stand to hear Castiel bear his feelings for the older Winchester. Because he just knows for a fact that Castiel has never even tried to voice this to Dean. Hell, he was dead sure that Castiel couldn't even say it to himself, couldn't even admit it, especially now. “You have some free will. You made your own choices and while they haven't been the best, they were yours. Naomi just... she just had some say in the end. But that's over now. You're free now.”

Castiel laughs without humor at that.  "Oh yes.  I'm fine now." he snorts a short and sharp laugh, and then actually goes INSIDE the Devil's Trap, something that no one has done since he first was trapped here, and it scared Crowley because this is a sign of trust, this is Castiel saying that he is trusting Crowley with what he is saying. He sits next to him on the bed, and they just sit there in silence for longer than necessary but neither seems to want to say something. Castiel for obvious reasons, and Crowley just feels too vulnerable and scared over a broken, fallen angel. It becomes too much, both of them being scared shitless, which is pathetic because yeah, they aren't as 'invincible' and the 'King of Hell' and 'Angel of the Lord' have been reduced to almost nothing now, but that did not mean they had to be cowards. Crowley was NOT a coward.

“I'm going to answer your first question, so pay attention.”

He doesn't look at him, but he feels Castiel's entire body rattle and his breathing starting to pick up.

“I was aware that some of that prophet stuff was fake, at least some of the early ones due to some...accidents.”

“Accidents?”

“Well, the first one was due to Lucifer falling and God leaving the rest of the family behind. Can't blame Naomi and the other Archangels, I mean, the 'little' angels scared of their daddy leaving them all alone, and big brother Lucifer gone and Michael being... Michael-”

“I am aware, Crowley. Please get to the point.” Castiel growled, and for once Crowley doesn't mind or complain.

“Well... all of you were scared. And the Archangels had a duty to take care of their younger siblings.... but some of them got power hungry. Like Naomi. So she got help from Hell. We made a... not a deal per say, more like a trade. So I helped with some of the methods, but like I said, she went beyond what I showed her, and as it seems, perfected it in ways I didn't even think possible.”

“She made us into slaves.” He stands up in a rush, all anger and full angel mode, and for a small moment, Crowley forgets that Castiel is no longer an angel. But he remembers when Castiel reels back panting and gasping. “I'm going to be sick...”

“Yeah well, don't do it here.”

The amount of anger and fear swirled all around the dungeon, and it wasn't just from Castiel because Crowley shakes as well. He doesn't understand why but that is becoming a normal thing for him lately, not understand why he feels the things he does, why being 'purified' is warping everything that he has ever known. It scares him. It scares him that he is worried about Castiel, worried about what other side effects he must be having and hiding, or what the future will hold. All of this controlling and memory alteration was built around the mind of an angel, how they worked and thought, not for humans. Angels were light and wavelengths and simply cosmic, nothing really tangible and organic like humans. Angels could remember things from millions of years ago, but humans forgot what they had for breakfast, couldn't remember their childhoods, and all they seemed to remember were television quotes and useless celebrity gossip.

Would that become an issue?

“You said...” Castiel cuts through Crowley's musings with a whisper, almost like if he spoke any louder, the situation would become worse. “That there were other 'accidents'... like what?”

“There was something with them controlling the humans, as usual. Trying to make them aware that there was a higher power of sorts, and make them do ridiculous things. Like little children pulling the arms and legs of spiders. Some sick little game.”

Castiel stares at him, eyes wide. His mouth opens to say something, but doesn't. Crowley knows what he wants to say though. So he answers him.

“The first real 'accident' after Lucifer falling.  They had this thing planned, just to see how far they could go with the humans, but some angel messed up.  Was 'daddy's little angel' and took the kid he was supposed to kill.  You know, that whole Abraham taking his kid up the hill-”

He doesn't get to finish before the former angel makes an awful sound in the back of his throat, it sounds almost like a mix between a scream and a sob, and it slightly echoes off the walls of the dungeon as he jumps off the bed and stumbles back. Then his knees buckle and he falls and Crowley gets up and tries to get to him but the Devil's Trap doesn't let him, and he is blocked and forced to watch as Castiel starts to choke on his own breathing.

“Castiel!”

But all he gets in response is an actual sob this time and whispers in an ancient language Crowley had not heard in centuries.

 _“I failed him, brother. I let them hurt him, and now-”_ He stops talking abruptly, almost like he was interrupted by something or someone, and shakes his head so fast and it's a wonder his head doesn't fly off his shoulders. _“No brother! I failed him! He... he was just a child!"  
_

Crowley's eyes widen when he realizes what this is.

“Cas... you...”

 _“I'm scared brother... what will they do to me?”_ he's switched to Enochian now as he whimpers, making him seem so fucking young, and makes horrible noises filled with pain and fear. When Crowley thinks it will be over, that Castiel will be freed from whatever horrors he was reliving, it becomes worse.

 _“Don't make me forget! Don't- please don't!! Someone help me-”_ Castiel reaches out to Crowley, and the former King of Hell realizes that Castiel is not reaching out for him, but to someone else, but he can't even begin to guess who could it be- _  
_

_“Don't let them hurt me, Gabriel!”_


	7. family means nobody gets left behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys make it back to the bunker, and there are some family moments.

It's about 5 am when they make it back to the bunker.

Dean is beyond exhausted but he had refused to make any stops because the drive was long enough, they did not need to take longer in getting back. It had been a wordless agreement between the brothers, and the only stop that was made was when Sam offered to drive, which Dean accepted gladly and proceeded to sleep all the way back.

As Sam pulled up, Dean barely let his brother park before he took off running, not even bothering to close the car door. He fidgeted with the door handle when he remembered that he needed keys that were on his fucking key chain that Sam had, and glared and yelled at his brother to hurry the fuck up because _Cas needed him right the fuck now_.

“Jesus Christ, Dean, they aren't going anywhere and panicking is not going to help, you need to calm down-”

“Just open the door!”

Sam sighs in both irritation and exhaustion, but doesn't complain. Both had discussed the context of their situation, Cas having seizures and speaking in different languages sounded like being possessed, and with Cas human that kind of thing was suddenly possible. They admit that they should have prepared for this kind of thing, because that's what they had done with Kevin, so why had they not done so with Cas? Yes, things had been erratic and hurried for the past few months, and with Cas trying to adjust to human life no one had been pressuring him into something he did not approve of first. They had been waiting for him to calm down, to try and live his life instead of hiding, of tossing and turning every night, for him to want things. They had meant well, but it was proving that perhaps they shouldn't have. They had forgotten to keep Castiel safe, and Dean couldn't help but feel like this was just part of the Winchester lifestyle, messing up everyone's lives and leaving them broken beyond fixing. It makes him rage at both himself and Sam. He doesn't even wait for Sam to make it all the way to the porch before he is snatching the keys away and opening the door himself, his hands tremble a little and his voice quivers when he swears, but still slams the door open.

“Kevin! Cas!”

“They're probably sleeping- Dean, calm the fuck down and-”

Dean doesn't listen and runs upstairs, the echoing of his step is loud in the quiet of the night. When he gets to Cas' door, he opens it with more of a delicate touch, afraid of scaring the other man. “Cas?” his voice isn't booming, but it isn't a whisper either. He waits for an answer, but gets none. Then he turns on the lights, and is blinded for a brief moment when he looks at the room and when he can see-

Cas isn't there.

There's a brief moment of panic and terror before he runs to Kevin's room, and Sam is in the hallway now, confused as to why Dean isn't with Cas, but there is no time to explain because Cas isn't in his fucking room-

“Kevin, where the fuck is Cas?” he yelled as he flicks the lights.

The lights are bright and unforgiving in Kevin's room, Dean can feel a headache coming on, and from Kevin's reaction at being so rudely awaken, he is not the only one. The young man groans and rolls onto his back, glancing at Dean in mild confusion for moment before it hits him that it's Dean, and sits up quickly.

“Dean! W-what's- when did you-”

“Cas isn't in his room, where is he?”

Kevin's eyes widen in panic, and he throws the bed covers off his body and jets up towards Dean.

“What!? He's in his room, I saw him go in!”

“You were supposed to watch him!” Dean is angry, so freaking angry and he knows that this isn't Kevin's fault but he can't control himself because this wasn't supposed to be like this. Cas was supposed to be in his room and they were going to talk for the first time in months, and he wasn't supposed to leave anymore. He didn't have the means to leave Dean again, like he always did- “Why did you leave him by himself when you knew there's something wrong with him!?”

Kevin suddenly snaps.

“Fuck you Dean! He wanted to be alone, okay? This hasn't been easy on him and me hovering was making it worse!”

“The one job you had was to take care of him!”

“Oh like you're one to talk!” The words were meant to hurt, Dean was full aware of that, they were mostly said out of spite and he knows this, because Kevin is not that petty. But they still sting. Dean just crumbles and stumbles against the wall, all his rage and anger fading away as fear and anger and so much self hate, it becomes too overwhelming. The room is silent between the two of them until Sam comes in, the tension spreads as the three of them just stand there, until Sam finally speaks up.

“This isn't helping. We need to find Cas because he needs us, alright? That's the most important thing right now, so stop this fighting and lets think.”

Dean swallows and nods. Kevin looks like a kicked puppy but nods as well, and walks up to Sam. He won't look at Dean, and is about to say something to Sam when a buzzing sound takes over.

“What's that?” Dean asks, his voice rasps against itself after yelling so much.

“That's Crowley's buzzer we installed.”

Dean snorts. “He can wait.”

A few beats past and buzzing does not stop. Sam sighs.

“I'm gonna answer it.”

“We don't have the time for this-” That's Kevin, and Dean would be a little shocked if it was any other day, but too much is happening. Sam ignores him and buzzes back.

“Holy Mother of- I've been calling you for a long bloody time-”

“Well you can go fuck yourself okay?” Dean pushes Sam out of the way, snarling at the speaker. “We've got more important things going on and we don't have time for-”

“Would this problem be a 'Cas problem'? 'Cause I'm sure I have the solution down here.”

No one says anything for a while. Kevin is the one to continue the conversation.

“Why would Cas go see you now? He never even comes close to the dungeon.”

“Well, why don't you come down and see for yourself? Maybe he'll even tell you. Seriously the lot of you... I would have come upstairs and get you myself but this bloody trap-”

Whatever else Crowley says is lost to Dean as he takes off running as fast as he can, and with the added exhaustion from sleeping in a car and the emotional overload from the past few hours, he isn't even sure how he can make himself run that fast. He doesn't let himself think as he opens the door to the dungeon and shuffles down the stairs as quick as he can. His eyes adjust to the lack of light, spots Crowley quick enough and sees the former King of Hell staring at something at the other side of the room. Dean follows his gaze.

He hadn't been sure what to expect. Dean had assumed it would be like Cas' nightmares had been. A slow stream of tears running down his face, eyes lost and glazed as he stared back at Dean, small gasps and tremors running down his body. The screaming was always just the trigger. He had not been expecting this.

Castiel was huddled up against the wall, his knuckles were white from gripping his arms in what looked like a death grip. His head was down, his shoulders slumped and shivers shook his entire frame.

“Don't just stare and go do something!”

Dean looks at Crowley for a brief moment, before actually taking a step towards Cas. He kneels next to him, afraid to touch him, afraid of what reaction he would have towards Dean. Would he be rejected? Just the thought hurt, it killed him to just think of Cas hating him, wanting him away and refusing him- it doesn't matter. If Cas chooses to never look at Dean again, then so be it. He deserves it for how he's been treating Cas. But right now, what mattered most was making sure Cas was okay. Carefully and slowly, Dean reaches out and cups Cas's face with a shaky hand. His skin is clammy and cold, but the shaking slows down until it stops, and then Cas is looking up at Dean and how had he missed those eyes looking at him, how fucking blue they were, so fucking beautiful, how had he survived this long without looking at them-

“Dean?” Cas's voice was wrecked and even more husky than usual.

“Yeah... it's me, I'm here. It's okay, I got you now and I'm not leaving you alone okay?”

“Dean...” Castiel sounds dazed. “Dean...”

“He can't really hear you, Winchester.”

Dean keeps his hand against Castiel's face, his other hand goes to squeeze his knee trying to keep the former Angel reassured that he was not leaving, and turns his head to look at Crowley. “What do you mean?”

Crowley sighs looking annoyed, but there's an underlining of worry in his eyes. “It means what it means, Dean. He can't hear you, I've been trying to get through him since he got like this, but either he's too lost in his own head or is just plain ignoring me. And seeing as he came here seeking help, I'm pretty sure he isn't ignoring me-”

“Why would he want your help?”

“It wouldn't be the first time I helped Castiel, now would it?” The smirk that takes over Crowley is mocking and is tries to dig at Dean with bad memories, but it loses its effect due to his eyes looking exhausted and worried. It helps to know that Crowley is worried about Cas as well. “But I guess you want to know what's happening right- oh and here's the rest of the family.”

Dean glances at Sam and Kevin coming down the stairs, and glances at Crowley for a second before he turns around towards Cas again. He jumps a little when he sees that Castiel is looking at him. The stare reminds him so much of Cas as an angel, that penetrating stare that never blinked, and despite the situation, Dean can't help but smile. It widens when Cas manages to smile back a little, and maybe Crowley is right that Cas isn't really aware of what's going on, but he knows that Dean is here with him, and that's enough to calm his nerves.

“It's nice to see the whole family reunited.” Crowley jokes before he sighs. “I'm guessing you want to know what's going on.”

“Is it connected to falling?” Kevin asks.

“It's what triggered it, but mostly, this is the aftermath of some angel brain washing starting to fade away.”

That snaps Dean out of it. “What do you mean?”

“Dear, sweet Naomi. I believe you had the chance to meet her.”

“She's the one that made Cas almost beat Dean to death.”

Crowley's gaze snaps towards Sam, and stares at him as he processes what has been said. Slowly, he turns back to Dean.

“Did... did he know who you were? Did he recognize you?”

“Wha- of course he did!” His slight outburst jolts Cas, and Dean turns around to make sure he's okay. He continues to speak as he looks at Cas. “We were looking for that Angel tablet and he was fine until he just snapped-”

“Why didn't she just erase you?” Crowley whispers.

Dean stops speaking at the interruption, and stares at Crowley who is now looking at Castiel in confusion. Nobody says anything as he stares at the former angel until he finally sighs and looks at Sam. “Look... I think that we need to get Cas somewhere more comfortable and wait until he 'comes back' and then we can talk about this.”

“No.” Dean growled out. “tell me right now or so help me-”

“What? What will you do? Sorry, Dean, but right now, it's more about everyone's favorite former angel, and I'm sure he would not appreciate us talking about him behind his back, now would he? I'm sure he would rather tell you himself.”

Dean sighs.

“Alright...”

“Good.” Crowley straightens his shoulders and smooths the front of his shirt before walking towards them as close as he can. “Now let me out of here.”

“Like hell.”

“Dean.”

“Oh no Sammy, I'm not-”

“He's coming with us because Cas came to him. He thought Crowley could help so he's coming up stairs and we're going to wait for Cas to come back to us, and we'll figure out what's going on , and how to go about this.” Sam finishes with a glare towards Crowley, and the former demon smirks in amusement.

“Finally,” Crowley grins and Dean wants to punch him. “Someone who sees reason."

-

He's flying. He's lighting and thunder. He's a hurricane, he's the giant waves in the ocean, sweeping everything in their path. He's the breeze on a warm summer morning. And then he's blind to everything, and the silence is madding, so he tries to scream but there's no sound coming out of him, his voice catching on itself but that's never happened before. That's not something that happens to Angels. Then he remembers.

He isn't an Angel anymore.

His back hurts and his head aches, and the feeling of burning on his back is painful and terrible as he keeps falling and falling. But then he isn't falling, and there is gentle warmth all over, and a soft voice soothing him, running fingers through his sweat soaked hair, whispering reassurances and promises that everything will be okay. He feels a soft pressure against the top of his head, telling him it's safe to sleep, that no nightmares will be waiting for them. Exhaustion becomes unbearable, too much to handle now, so he trusts the voice and sleeps.

And the voice was right. There were no nightmares waiting for him.

-

Despite everything, Sam had a hard time hiding the small smile that threatened to escape. Dean wasn't the type to voice out his feelings, had always prepared to show instead of speak. His actions always spoke louder than words, although it wasn't completely unknown for him to say something every once in a while, still extremely rare. Watching Dean carry Castiel to his room was heartwarming, if a little unsettling due to the circumstances, but it was a small ray of light in the dark of their current situation. At least Cas wasn't possessed. Small mercy that, although given to what he understood of what was happening, perhaps that would have been something easier to deal with.

Kevin opened the door for Dean, giving him a small smile that is returned, an unspoken apology for what had happened earlier. When Cas is rested on his own bed, instead of Dean walking out and joining them downstairs, Dean just sits on the edge of the bed and watches the former angel sleep. Sam almost laughed, remembering how Dean would complain of Cas watching him sleep yet here he was, doing the same damn thing back, but it just spoke volumes of Dean's feelings, as much as he tried to hide them from everyone else. Sam wondered if Dean even knew what he was feeling, or he did know, if he just denied it to himself, and that wouldn't be too far off. Dean was an expert at self-denial.

Kevin closes the door as softly as he can, and turns around to look at Sam and Crowley.

“I'm... still very tired.”

“It's okay Kevin, just go to bed.”

Kevin smiles at Sam, and gives Crowley a small nod that actually comes out as friendly, and Sam can't help but think that perhaps all five of them could be something more than two hunters, a prophet of the lord, the former king of hell, and a fallen angel all stuck together in the middle of nowhere. That they could maybe be a really messed up family, but a family nonetheless.

When Kevin closes the door to his own room, Crowley turns his full attention towards Sam and gives him a small smirk.

“Long time since we've talked, Moose. I was thinking a cup of tea and sitting on the couch, and then gossiping like two teenager girls, what do you say?”

Sam snorts but smirks back anyway.

“Alright, but only because I'm not tired.”

 


	8. what power have dreams in Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel wakes up.

The last thing Castiel remembers is being in Crowley's dungeon, so when he wakes up on his own bed covered in blankets, in sweat pants and a t-shirt, he is very confused. He's also in a shock that his sleep had gone rather smoothly, all things considered. If it hadn't been for his minor freak out, it would have been perfect, although given to his lack of recollection over the events, “minor freak out” might be an understatement. He remembers going hysterical when Crowley mentioned Isaac, of course he fucking did, the knowledge that he had been the first to undergo that procedure was impossible to let go. The first to be spared, not killed, instead made into a slave, re-wired and fixed. The fact that they had deemed it more merciful, that it was kinder to make him ignorant to his own failures, blissfully unaware of all those lives lost. Oh but that wasn't even the worst now, no way, because now there was-

He grunts in pain, curving into himself, arms trying to shield away whatever thought he just had, but now it is gone. Like waking up from a dream and the memory fading fast, and you try to chase after it but can't. Part of him tries to grasp it, wanting to know, needing to know, but so fucking terrified of what it was, _who_ it was-

“ _Don't touch him! Don't you fucking dare-”_

Tears and screams and apologies, that's all he remembers. Then a blank of nothing; just this emptiness that Castiel understands now came from being “re-educated”. He wants to laugh when he realizes this, all those times he had “felt” that, just thinking it was normal, nothing to worry about because angels don't fucking feel, but they do, he fucking _does_ , always has and that's why he was so different. Why he could never feel as part of the garrison, despite being their captain. It is the reason why he loved watching humanity so much, why he loves humanity really, the reason why he wanted to interact with them, be part of it all _now you ware part of it and you can't handle it you don't belong anywhere._ Part of him just knew, that part had never forgotten any of them, and maybe now it was in bits and pieces, and he couldn't exactly remember all of their names or events correctly, all of it was mixed and blended in his mind. But it was there, so maybe it could be fixed, and all of it would come back to him.

He wants to remember.

Castiel wants to so fucking bad, even if it hurts and it does, so much, but he wants to remember those days with Isaac, he wants to recall the things that man said about his eyes, those shy and hesitant kisses, his _name_. And all these other people he can feel, knows that existed and can feel those memories about to spill over, on the brim of being present, and yes, Castiel is terrified, but he knows it won't stop. He can't hide forever from this, living in denial from the truth. So he will embrace it, and look at the bright side, regardless of how small that is. He concentrates on Isaac's smiling face, and that man's gentle touch, and Gabriel begging and screaming-

He stops.

His heart pounds so fast and his skin feels cold and hot all at once. Castiel tries to swallow down the lump in his throat, but all he can do is shake and-

“ _Don't touch him! Don't you fucking dare, I'll kill all of you, I fucking swear-” he struggles against the others holding him as he reaches out, eyes contradicting the anger in his voice._

“ _Do not make me do this to you as well, Gabriel.” Naomi's voice is cold and heartless, her grip on Castiel's hair is painful and harsh. He tries not to wince at her pulling on it._

_The other angels just stand there, watching with empty stares. Some of them twitch, like they want to do something, stop what is happening. Others have smirks and smiles, because to them this is justice. Some look angry that Castiel is being spared. He closes his eyes, not wanting to see. But then he looks up when a broken voice speaks up._

“ _I'm sorry... shit, Castiel I'm so sorry...”_

_Castiel looks up and sees Gabriel crying, shaking and scared. He keeps begging for forgiveness, like this was his fault somehow. His brother is still struggling against the arms holding him back, but they both know full well that it is no use._

“ _It's not your fault brother.” he tries to smile at the end. The last thing he remembers before he forgets, is Gabriel slumping down to the ground, defeated and broken._

Castiel freezes, his insides filled with ice. The scream that comes out is inhuman.

-

What woke Dean up wasn't the scream, although that definitely had him sitting up.

The feeling of someone in the room was strong, he could feel the hairs on his arm stand on end, a shiver go up his spine. It takes him a moment to remember what happened with Cas, and that he's in the room with him, so Dean settles again, and stares at Cas's back, and he knows that the other man is awake. His shoulders are tense and his breathing uneven. He thinks about tapping his shoulder, saying something but Dean is afraid. He doesn't know if Cas knows that Dean is here, he really hasn't moved at all, just curled his legs more into his body. Dean is sure that Cas's reaction to Dean would have been more... well, he might have freaked out, left the room the moment he noticed. He wouldn't have stayed in the same bed with Dean. So he assumes that Cas just woke up, and is probably trying to collect himself, then he'll stand up and see Dean, so maybe he should fucking speak up.

Dean opens his mouth and closes it again, and this goes on longer than necessary but when he's really about to say something, really he was going to, Cas just screams. It's a horrible and raw scream, Dean thinks that this might be the closest to Cas's angel voice he'll ever hear. It's the same awful pitch that Dean remembers from that gas station, so long ago. Dean sits up and launches himself to Cas, grabs his shoulders and turns Cas around onto his back. Cas's voice gives out, becomes a voiceless scream; it's pathetic and weak. Dean feels the prickle of tears coming, terrified out of his mind, but he has to hold together for Cas. He wrestles the other man, and pins him to the bed, holding his arms against his own body as gently but firmly as he could.

“Cas!”

He gets an answer, but it's in freaking Enochian. He's whispering, probably because his voice gave out, thank fucking God. They're so soft, they contradict his body that trashes against Dean's. Holding his arms isn't enough, so Dean pushes up and straddles Cas, mindful of not crushing or hurting him.

“Cas, it's me! Look at me!” he's begging, he would be disgusted with himself if it was anyone else, but this was _Cas_ , always the exception in everything. “Come on, man, I... I need you here.”

His response is Castiel looking at him with wild eyes, not really comprehending what he sees but Dean must have done something in that moment, he doesn't know what, but it works because Cas stops trashing and really looks at Dean, recognition coming back to him.

“Dean.” Cas's voice is gentle, like he hadn't been screaming, just a soft acknowledgment. Dean thinks he sees a smile wanting to come out, but chalks it to wishful thinking.

“Yeah dude, it's me.” Dean does smile, one of his hands lets go of Cas's arm and goes to his face, cupping a cheek. His skin is clammy. “I'm here, Cas. Everything is gonna be okay, I gotcha...”

Cas just stares back like he used to when he had been an angel, unblinking and intense. Dean had missed it. Slowly, so slowly that Dean doesn't even notice, Cas brings a hand up and presses it against where his own hand print used to be seared into Dean's flesh. His heart is beating faster by the moment, he swallows down the sound that almost comes out. Cas smiles so small but it's beautiful and blinding. Then he bends his head down, pressing his face against Dean's body, his hand grips Dean's shoulder tighter, and that's it. Dean pulls and rolls them both on their sides now, facing each other. He gently wraps his arms around Cas, one of his hands setting on the back of his neck, gently kneading the skin there. He hides his face in Cas's hair, breathing him in. Cas's other arm is sandwiched between them, his legs go up and one ends up between Dean's.

Dean freezes and holds his breath. He hates himself for this reaction, Cas is having is having a nightmare or something, and what does Dean do? But it isn't like he means to feel this now, it's not like he's going to do something about it, Dean is not animal. It's just that he's been hiding and denying himself to feel like this towards Castiel, and now that he has him pressed up against his body, holding him for the first time in months, and Cas actually clinging back, something that he had never done before, it just was too much. And yes, while Dean as not an animal (despite what his brother seemed to think), his body was a creature of habit, and having Cas's body pressed up against him was just too fucking much.

He slowly pulls his legs away, being mindful of not waking Cas up, who seemed to be asleep again. When he manages, Dean lets go of the breath he had been holding and looks up at Cas, sees his eyes still closed and relaxes. He can't help but smile a little, then overwhelmed with an emotion that he had been uselessly trying to ignore for... for years now, but that just seemed so stupid now. Even if Cas didn't want this, if he rejected Dean, that was alright.

Dean just wanted to be there for Cas, even if it just meant friendship, and if that wasn't enough, he would make it be enough, because a life without Cas was the worst thing he could ever imagine.

-

It's almost 2 in the afternoon when Sam comes to wake Dean and Cas up, it was beyond ridiculous even with Cas being in the condition he was. But when Sam opens the door to Cas's bedroom, he almost lets them be. Sam is sure he was the goofiest smile ever on his face, and is secretly glad that no one else is here to see it, and that Dean and Cas are asleep. It's the sweetest thing Sam had seen in years. Dean is holding Cas against himself, almost like he was a giant teddy bear, and Cas has his arms folding against his own body, his legs are curled up, and it's just too freaking adorable. It's a shame that he has to wake them up, but not before pulling out his phone and snapping a picture. After all, things will get better later, and when that happens, Sam can show them this picture. Seeing Dean turn red from embarrassment was something Sam never wanted to miss out on.

He walks slowly towards them, mindful of not startling Cas. It would be a better idea to wake Dean up first, then let him wake Cas up. Although there was the issue of him reacting badly towards Dean, since this would be the first time in months that Cas has been acknowledged by Dean. At least, by Cas's knowledge, because Dean's eyes always would follow the former angel, out of the corner of his eye. It was a little pathetic.

Putting his hand gently on Dean's shoulder, he shakes him until his eyes open slowly. Dean blinks a few times, trying to get himself together and blinks up at Sam, who is still smiling, although not as embarrassing as before. But it is for Dean, because just like Sam had predicted, his brother goes red, but doesn't pull away from Cas, fully aware that he'll wake up. Instead (while Sam tries so hard not to laugh) Dean starts to slowly pull his arms away from Cas. It's a slow and gentle process that has Sam in awe, because he had never seen Dean be so gentle before. When he's finally able to sit up, Dean stares at Sam for a bit, then looks at Cas with such a loving stare, that Sam feels like he needs to leave. In the end, it's what he ends up doing.

“Sam.”

“Yeah?”

“Could... could you leave? I just... I need to talk to Cas.”

Sam smiles and gently bumps Dean on the shoulder. His brother makes a face and pushes him away.

“Bitch.”

Sam just rolls his eyes at him and moves towards the door. He could make breakfast while Dean and Cas talk anyway.

“Not gonna insult me back?”

“Just talk to Cas. We still need to know what's going on.” Sam reminds him.

Dean sighs, and turns back to look at Cas, his hand hovers over the other man's shoulder like he wants to touch, but is afraid to. But like always, Dean's eyes seem determined, still scared but not willing to go down without a fight.

“Yeah...okay. We'll go down stairs when we're done.”

Sam stares at Dean for a moment, his brother eventually breaks eye contact and makes an impatient sound at Sam not leaving. He gives an encouraging smile before he walks back downstairs.

-

When Castiel wakes up again, the first thing he sees is Dean's green eyes looking down at him. It's the first time in months that he has seen those eyes looking at his direction, and despite the hysteria still building in him, especially now because _Gabriel,_ and how could he forget about his brother? Even when he had seen him with the Winchesters, how could he have not recognize him in some way? He's so angry and the self-hatred is fierce and strong. But then he remembers that Gabriel had not recognized him either. It hits him that Naomi must have brainwashed Gabriel as well. Just the thought has Castiel reeling-

“Cas?”

He snaps back to what is happening at the moment, and realizes that _Dean_ is looking at him, speaking to him, acknowledging his presence for the first time in months. He wants to cry, to laugh, to cling to Dean and not let go. He wants to do so many things that he can't even function for a moment, can't understand what he is really looking at until Dean says his name again, and sees the fear and rejection in his eyes. Cas feels a pang of anger in the corner of his mind. It reminds him that this is the look he himself had sported for those two months, it tells him that why should he forgive Dean after all this time, ignoring him and hurting him and leaving him all alone during his nightmares, he was the reason why Castiel had rebelled and this man all ever did was demand things out of him and go with women, his own sister and never pay attention to Castiel's own longing stares, so why the fuck would he forgive him-

Then it catches up with him.

Because while part of him knew what he felt, acknowledged that this feeling was more than just friendship, this was still the first time he had let himself actually feel it. It makes him blank out, forget everything for a small moment, and just stare back at Dean who looks so broken up and lost.

And just like that, Castiel forgives him.

Because it's Dean, and... and Castiel loves Dean. It's overwhelming, this onslaught of feeling all at once, Dean and Gabriel, both strong and important emotions that need their own care, but Dean is here now, this is something he can take care of at this moment in time. But his voice won't come out, and he's afraid that if he tries, it will just be a  cracked mess and pathetic, crushed by his grief and joy. So instead, he gives Dean a small smile and hopes that's enough.

It is.

Dean starts to smile, and it's small and precious, it makes Castiel's heart pound hard inside his chest. It warms all of his being, his grace or soul or whatever he has now, it ignites with such love, it is overpowering. It melts the ice of grief that had taken over him, and after a few tries, he finds himself able to speak.

“Hello Dean.”


End file.
